Interfering relatives

What can you do when your all-knowing relatives start to interfere with your parenting?

One of the biggest frustrations felt by new parents is that relatives can't resist giving them parenting advice.

We've all been there. The moment when your mother-in-law refuses to accept the medical advice you've been given, dismissing it as modern nonsense: "All my children slept on their fronts and nothing ever happened to them."

Or the moment when your own mother decides to take the cheap route to your son's heart and bribe him with sugary treats throughout the day, despite all your best efforts to give him a balanced diet.

And then there's your older brother who decides you're spoiling your daughter by not being strict enough and so he shouts at her for some minor naughtiness.

Advice overload

It can be very difficult for a new parent to decide how they want to bring up their children when members of their family are constantly chipping in with advice.

And that pressure is even more intense when the older generation remind you that they've already raised children and you haven't. Of course much has changed in the intervening years, particularly how much information we now have at our fingertips.

Self-taught expertise

There are hundreds of childcare books written by experts, television shows that aim to show us how to discipline our children while everything else we want to know is floating out there in cyberspace on forums and websites. As a result we are probably less dependent on the advice our family gives us because we feel we can reach informed decisions on our own.

So how do you deal with persistent unwanted advice?

Communicate

The most important thing is to communicate clearly. Work out what you want for your children and communicate that to your relatives. It's not about right and wrong ways of doing things, it's about asking others to understand and respect your views.

Stay Calm

Try to avoid getting into an argument. Be polite, listen to what they have to say and don't discount it immediately. Then make up your own mind and communicate your wishes clearly to them. However much your own mother is entitled to her views, she brought you up how she wanted to, now it is your turn to do so.

Through your Child's Eyes

Encourage them to see things in the same way as you by focusing on your child's viewpoint. Don't dictate what should happen or dismiss their views, just show that you are thinking of the child, not trying to win a battle. For example, you could say: "Henry's got so much energy, I'm sure he'd love to go to the swings. You could even walk there and back."

Pick your Battles

If your relative still disagrees with your approach, pick your battles carefully. You have to decide what really matters to you – for example not letting baby 'cry it out' - and let the less important things go (or bring them up later). Of course if it's to do with the safety of your child: car seats, a harness on the high chair, where they sleep, then it's vital that you insist, even if that means explaining that looking after your baby means that they have to follow your rules.

Child Benefits!

You may not find unwelcome advice from your relative too troubling if it's only now and then. But if your parents, for example, have taken on the care of your child on a formal and regular basis, then it's even more important that you have open lines of communication with them when you put your child into their care.

It can be a very delicate situation to handle, especially when you consider that it is not official employment and they are not being paid, so you need ground rules. Both parties should feel able to ask questions, discuss issues and raise concerns. You are still the child's parent, but if you trust someone else enough to look after your child then it's likely that they probably have some useful ideas and suggestions.

And how valuable that advice could be. Perhaps now that extended families don't tend to live so closely together, new parents are seeing well-meaning advice as interference and a threat to their independent life.

Try and value the wider family

Instead we should value the wider family as a rich resource for help and support. After all, they do have experience and more importantly, they love your children too. Letting them share your journey of parenthood may a winning formula for everyone, especially your children, who will develop their own special bond with their grandparents and other family members.

By Sophie Hetherington