Helping your child stay happy

GMTV child psychologist Emma Kenny reveals the signs to look out for if you're worried about your child being unhappy and how you can help them

Signs that may suggest your child is unhappy

• Your child is spending long periods of time alone in their room and appears withdrawn and subdued in nature
• Your child appears to struggle with their confidence
• Your Child is taking time off school without permission
• Reports from school become negative and out of character
• They give up activities they previously enjoyed
• They cause arguments to avoid social events
• They appear to have lost a great deal of weight
• They tell you that they feel unhappy
• They stop smiling and laughing
• They avoid conversation
• They become over conscious about their bodies
• They cry for no apparent reason
• They change their eating habits and avoid family meal times
• They appear to notice their 'negatives'
• They find it hard to engage in positive conversation and often become conflictual

Remedies

To a degree, all of the above can be related to most teens at some point in their lives; however, even if your teen is merely experiencing the throws of adolescence, the truth is, as parents, we need to ensure they recognise their worth and inherent qualities.

• Make sure you get your teenager out and about; it does not matter how much they protest or sulk. Exercise, be it a brisk walk with the dog, a run in the park or a day out climbing at the local sports centre-climbing wall, is the enemy of unhappiness. Teenagers who exercise are far more likely to have good levels of self-esteem.
• Tell your child that you love them, that you care for them and that you believe in them. Positive reinforcement is paramount! For every negative or critical comment muttered, your child needs eight that are positive to eradicate the negative statement. Think about it, most of us are quick to condemn and slow to congratulate.
• Eat around a table; it's easy to forget that family time is essential in making a period of adolescent insecurity feel a little easier. Make sure you acknowledge their choices and if possible ask them to help prepare menus for the week. Many young people assert their culinary choices at this point in development; vegetarians become commonplace and this is tough for parents who a week earlier were feeding a cow a week, to the now peace and love bearing vegan sat at the table tutting; on a more serious note, this says that you are recognising that they are growing up and forming their own opinions; respect theirs and they may respect yours.
• Communicate every day for at least an hour, this is best when doing a joint task, talk about anything; let your child know that you are interested, this reinforces that when they do have a problem, they have somewhere to go with it
• Encourage your child to see the 'realities' of magazines and TV shows, ensure that they understand how images are modified and altered.
• Do not give mixed messages; 'grow up', 'your not old enough yet', try and be concrete in your explanations, children need to clearly understand what is required from them
• If your child is struggling at school and begins to truant, remember not to be accusatory. Parents tend to become angry and frustrated and all this does is reinforce a young persons sense of isolation and failure. Kindness and patience is required. Let them know that you love and care for them, ensure that any problems they have can be solved and that changes can be made to accommodate their needs. Professional help is available and at times gaining an objective perspective helps to clarify problematic situations
• If you find evidence that your child is self-harming, ensure that you get professional help immediately. If you see anything from surface scratches to deep cuts, the behaviour requires the same immediacy. This is not 'attention seeking', this is a deep rooted condition that requires intervention at the earliest opportunity. Your G.P will refer you to a specialist service. If you recognise this in your child, ensure that you tell them how important and cared for they are. Make them feel positive about being able to get through this difficult time and offer them as much time to talk as they need
• If your child looses a lot of weight quickly and seems to avoid meals, try not to focus on their behaviour; instead, find foods they want and are comfortable eating and try to be very positive about their appearance. If you feel that they are developing an eating disorder, do not believe that you can deal with it alone. There are many services available to help teenagers with eating disorders. Consult your G.P and speak to the National Eating Disorders Association for specialist advice
• If you suspect your child is taking drugs, do not ignore it. A teenager wants to be noticed and also wants to believe that their parents have rules and boundaries, even if they do not match their own. It is paramount that early intervention occurs; there is much evidence to show the level of harm that occurs in the teenage brain when they use drugs at an early age. Make sure that pre-teens are given lots of up to date information on why drugs are harmful and offer lots of support and advice around these areas. This foundation may mean that when they reach their teenage years, they are able to make constructive choices. The National Drugs Helpline is a great place to start in getting information; alternatively, you will have a local drugs team who will be able to help you.
• Do not escalate conflict; you are the parent so act your age. Remain calm at all times and state why you are unhappy clearly without being emotionally loaded. Many young people are struggling emotionally and take it out on those they feel safest with. By remaining calm, reasonable and clear, you give your child no where to go with the conflict and ensure that they have to recognise their unreasonable behaviour.
• Some children will tell you that they feel unhappy; take them seriously. In recent years statistics have been clear, teenagers today are suffering from high levels of depression. If your teenager is feeling this way, get them some professional advice; speak to your G.P about support
• Tell them they are enough! It's so easy to worry about what your child is not achieving, concentrate on letting them know that they are good enough as they are. By removing pressure, we help children relax and feel good about themselves. A happy child equals a happy household.
• Get them out on as many activities as possible. Filling their time with healthy and stimulating choices is a clear way of avoiding problems and creating focus. This does not have to be expensive, look at Duke of Edinburgh award opportunities, along with V Talent volunteering choices.
• Before your children reach their teenage years, ensure that you have created a culture of conversation. So many of us, including myself, are shattered at the end of the day, we forget that our kids are also our careers. Simply put, we would not go to the office and spend the day in a bad mood and fail to complete our necessary roles; yet it's easy to do that at home when we are tired. I make it an absolute that when I get in from work, I take my kids for a dog walk, we then have tea after making it together, during this period we talk about our days. During the evening, my children watch one hour of television and are then allowed to play a sports game on the Wii; we do this together. Each of my children chooses a board game each night and we play; winding down with supper and bed. On the weekend we are never at home; we spend time at the park, shopping together and going on bike rides.

My children are already use to discussions about the perils of smoking, drugs and eating poor foods. We discuss relationships and in time, I will open discussions about sex. This means that when they hit their teenage years, it won't be a dreadful shock to find me stood with a condom in my hand, giving them the dreaded talk. My children already think that these discussions are the norm.

Finally, the greatest gift we can give our children is a sense of belonging and security. Kids who believe that they are loved without condition and consider their homes a haven are likely to get through childhood and adolescence without to many wounds.